


The Wine Rack

by SaintDionysus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, F/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-09-14 17:31:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9196214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintDionysus/pseuds/SaintDionysus
Summary: This is a collection of nonsense, headcanons, drabbles, and one-shots under 1500 words. Mostly humorous.Rated M: for sexual innuendos and languageTrigger Warnings: You might pee your pants with laughter, or not.





	1. The Guardian of Gryffindor Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saint Dionysus is the new guardian of Gryffindor Tower. The Fat Lady retired after The Battle of Hogwarts. Saint Dionysus is a bit of a romantic and will let you pass if you give her a really good reason to get into the tower, such as wanting to profess your love to a Gryffindor...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to pick out my pen name, but I settled on Saint Dionysus. It’s the Anglicized versions of my maiden and married names. So I manipulated my image to be wearing a toga and a grape crown in honor of Dionysus.

 

[Setting: Hermione's repeated seventh year after the war]  
  
“First years, follow me,” Head Girl, Hermione Granger, says.  
  
As they arrive at the portrait leading to Gryffindor tower, Ritchie Coote, seventh year prefect says, “Who are you?” not recognizing who the woman in the painting is.  
  
“I’m Saint Dionysus, the new guardian. The Fat Lady retired after the Battle of Hogwarts. She’s now at a resort in Mykonos,” the purple-haired and fair-skinned portrait says almost annoyed, “now children, password please?”  
  
Ritchie looks down at the slip of paper and says, “how do you even pronounce this?”  
  
“Let me see that!” Ginny Weasley snatches it out of his hand and starts snickering.  
  
“What’s so funny?” Hermione asks then takes the slip. “You’ve got to be kidding.”  
  
The portrait smirks, “Password?”  
  
The Head Girl rolls her eyes and says, “ _Dramione_.”  
  
“You may enter,” the portrait swings open then says, “Miss Granger— _think about it_.”  
  
She scoffs at the ridiculous painting and wonders is Sir Cadogan is still available.


	2. Vinomenti

 

Ginny Weasley invented _Vinomenti_ The spell to produce wine. She was pleasantly surprised that the flavor profiles of the wine were effected by the type of wood the wand was and the age of the wizard producing the spell. Her own wine is a bit lighter, on the pinot noir side with sweet blackberry notes. Her mother produces a wonderful red with a full oak flavor and cherry notes. Harry’s wine reminds her of christmas with its holly aroma and mulled spice profile. As Hermione has a wand made of true vine wood, she is the only one of their friends who produces sparkling wine in addition to the spicy, syrah-like red that is probably attributed to the Dragonheartstring. The children have tried, but all they ever can make is sour grape juice. Sorry kids.


	3. Visiting The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black

_Awesome pic found on Deviant Art by[TavenerScholar](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Ftavenerscholar.deviantart.com%2Fart%2FWalburga-Black-84588312%3Fq%3Dboost%253Apopular%2520Walburga%2520Black%26qo%3D0&t=NGIzZWZhZTcwODlhZjZkOTViNjRhMDZkODBmMTMwYTJjZmJjNDNjNCxPUElSWkZPTw%3D%3D&b=t%3A5rGoAJllcJtrfGWm7LVydA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fharrypotterandthegobletofwine.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F149442763507%2Fwalburga-black&m=1)_

* * *

 

Draco stops by the Potter’s house, 12 Grimmauld Place, to drop Scorpius off. As they spill out of the Floo, a painting starts screaming. “Who dares come through the Floo unannounced!”

“Scorpius is here to see Albus!” Harry yells back. “Draco, meet your great aunt, Walburga Black.”

“Draco Malfoy, you blood traitor! Associating yourself with mudbloods and half-bloods.” The painting of Mrs. Black has not lost any of its charm over the past 40 years. 

“Potter, how have you honestly lived with this since you inherited the house?”

“It’s stuck. It won’t come down. We use silencing charms, but they wear off. It’s the kids’ chores to replace the charms.”

“Misuse of the underaged wizardry, I see. Look whose father is abusing their Ministry power now.” Draco is incredibly bemused to get the upper hand on Harry.

He’s obviously right, but Harry is still annoyed at the comment.

Scorpius pipes up, “Wizarding portraits are just memories, right? They don’t contain part of you soul like a horcrux?”

“Yeah…” Harry and Draco say in an unplanned unison. 

“Mr. Potter do you have vial?”

Harry is intrigued at what Scorpius could be possibly thinking. He pats around and can’t find one. He casts, “Accio vial” in the direction of the kitchen. There is a whoosh and screams from various members of the family. He catches it and hands it to Scorpius.

Scorpius taps the tip of his wand to forehead of his not-so-distant ancestor. The paint is drained from the portrait and begins to transform into a silvery memory as Scorpius pulls his wand away. He deposits in the vial and shuts the cork tight.

“Bloody hell. You’re a genius, Scorpius. Albus tells me all the time, but honestly, you’re going to give Hermione a run for her money.”

Draco beamed as a Malfoy finally outwitted the Grangers and Potters. Harry noticed but instead to play into Draco’s smugness, he patted him on the back.

 

* * *

 

 

Harry invites Teddy, Scorpius, and Draco to Number 12 Grimmauld Place and brings them to the family tree room. It’s filled with various artifacts. He says, “You are the last remaining members of the House of Black. I have wanted to give you your share of the inheritance for years, but Kreacher wouldn’t allow it. Now that he is gone, I can give it away.”

“Potter, you’re the master, he was the house elf." 

"Draco, don’t start. Although I have inherited the house and all of its belongings, I don’t feel comfortable taking these items.”

“Uncle Harry,” says Teddy, “My grandmother was shot off the tree. Are you sure I should still inherit?”

“Well so was Sirius and I still go the lot,” replies Harry

“I already live in a giant, museum,” says Draco. “Teddy, take whatever you want and sell off what you don’t. I know my aunt didn’t receive a single galleon of her inheritance. I already received mum’s and Auntie Bella’s wealth. You are still a Black and deserve a share." 

"Thank you, Draco. I appreciate that.” Teddy knows he got the short end of the stick as far as inheritances go, but something is better than nothing. 

“Can I just have the books?” Scorpius pipes up. “Just the ones about the family history.”

“Sure.” Teddy honestly has no desire to discover more about his grandmother’s ancestry, so he’s happy to give the books to his younger cousin. 

“Great, that’s settled. Last order of business. How do I get this tapestry off the wall? I want to donate it to the new Magical History museum. Like that damn painting, I couldn’t take this down either. Scorpius, any other brilliant ideas?”

“Maybe blood magic? It has to be pulled down by one of the descendants.” He takes out a pocket knife and pricks his finger and walks to the corner of the tapestry. He begins to pull at it and it comes free. “Yup. That worked!" 


	4. Interruption at the Battle of Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An anonymous follower prompted dramioneasks.tumblr.com, "Fics with where Donald Trump is the villain?"
> 
> They didn't know of one, so I present this dark comedy drabble...

It all comes down to this—Harry and Voldemort face each other, wands drawn. Simultaneously, Harry mutters the beginnings of the disarming spell and Voldemort, the Killing Curse…but a new combatant enters the fray.

“Humph,” a loud, haughty gesture of disapproval comes from the entrance of the Great Hall. “You call this a battle? Where’s the machine guns and tanks? Oh, and what is that old bumpy stick?”

The Dark Lord sneers and takes his red eyes off of Harry for a moment and hisses, “This. This is the Elder Wand.” He turns toward the intruder and displays the legendary weapon, “The most powerful wand ever created and crafted by Death himself.” 

Harry is cautious and doesn’t know if this orange-faced man is friend or foe. If he was smart, he would strike down Voldemort now, but curiosity is getting the better of him and continues to listen to the boastful American.

“Ha! It can’t even take down a child and he’s just got a little plain one,” Harry thinks to himself, _definitely foe_. He sees Draco seething as if the appalling sack of skin just insulted the young heir’s manhood. The unwelcome guest continues, “I’ll get a better wand. More powerful. It’ll be huge. New. Top of the line. I’ll take over the ministry in one week. How long did it take you? Two decades? Everyone will love it. They’ll love me. Because I’m rich.” The crowd grows restless unsure of who the true villain in the room is, “I’ll get rid of the muggles. The elves. The immigrants. I’ll cut off all the funding to Hogwarts and turn it into a private school. If kids can’t afford a magical education, oh well. Maybe their parents shouldn’t be having kids in the first place. Also, no more funding searching out magical children. They’ll find us on their own. Then I’ll tear down the Forbidden Forrest and lock up all the centaurs and shave all the unicorns. We’ll increase wand production and get rid of those lazy half-breeds that don’t make any contribution to society. I’ll make the Wizarding World great again.”

In that moment, Harry and Voldemort’s eyes connected, not as adversaries magically linked, but as allies. Harry succumbed to his darkness for the greater good as he and Voldemort yelled in unison, “ _Avada Kedavra!”ˆ_

Harry and Voldemort seemed confused at what had just transpired but quickly came back to their senses. The boy savior said, “Back to business, Tom?”

“With pleasure.”

_**Fin** _


	5. Ginny's Hen Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So a random post about Blaise listening to slow jams became this drabble. 
> 
> Wait for the twist.  
> 

Boys night. It was a long time since Draco, Theo, Greg and Blaise got together for a couple of pints. They had all taken over their family businesses and estates, and the responsibilities took them away from carefree moments like this. A new, more modern pub had set up on Diagon Alley to attract a younger crowd. Best of all, it had a cracking sound system.

A loud group of women made their way through the door and immediately captured the attention of the young men. Draco and Theo were both engaged, but neither of them had set dates with their respective fiancees. Blaise, on the other hand, was a free man. Much to his surprise, was a shock of fiery red hair that could only belong to Ginny Weasley, star chaser for the Holyhead Harpies.

Ginny was celebrating her hen party—the last hurrah with her girls. She would be marrying Harry Potter in two weeks time. Now, this rowdy group included a drunken Hermione Granger, high as a kite Luna Lovegood, her sisters-in-law Fleur and Gabrielle who acted as babysitters and the entirety of her professional quidditch team.

"Oh, this is going to be fun," Blaise said before chugging the last of his beer and slamming the glass down on the bar. The rest of the boys chuckle and get up to watch the drama unfold.

"Hey, Weasley!" Blaise called to her, "Nice match the other night."

"Thanks, Blaise. You know the rest of the team?"

"Yes. Hello, ladies. Looking good, Granger. Lovegood." His smooth talking attitude charms the ladies. "Now I'm guessing by the tiara, sash, and penis paraphernalia, this is a hen do?"

"Ever astute, Zabini," Hermione Granger interjects.

"Granger, how do you manage to sound sexy even when you're insulting me? You really engaged to the least attractive Weasley brother? If I were you, I would have gone after the dragon trainer," He gives Hermione a wink to which she flushes beet red. "But Ginny, as it's your hen do. You deserve a gift from me."

"What pray tell do you plan on giving me? Remember, I'm an engaged woman," she knew this was trouble, but curiosity was getting the better of her.

He pushed her into a chair and pointed his wand at the jukebox. Pony by Ginuwine starts playing. He swings one leg over Ginny's lap so that he's straddling her. The group of guys and ladies holler knowing how much this embarrasses Ginny while attracting the attention of the whole bar.

Blaise moves his pelvis to the seductive beat. Ginny swallows hard unable to believe what is going on. Blaise rolls his hips inching his package closer and closer to the future Mrs. Potter's face. He grips the back of her head making sure she doesn't miss any of the show. Blaise runs a finger down Ginny's forehead, nose, lips, neck, cleavage, down her abdomen and stops right before her crotch. Ginny's breath hitches and has broken out in a sweat.

While Zabini bumps and grinds on Weasley, a certain blond saunters up to a very inebriated brunette. "Granger."

"Malfoy."

"Enjoying the show?"

"Immensely. You?"

"What I would give to see Potter's face right now."

"Same."

"So how pissed are you right now."

"Pretty far gone. I can hold my liquor, though."

"So pissed enough to make a mistake?"

"Aren't you engaged?"

"Aren't you?"

She puts her ring into her pocket. "You think they would notice if we slipped out of here?"

"They didn't notice last time."

"You know where to find me."

"Same place?"

"Same place," she said as she disappeared from the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like this? Well, it has been expanded to a 6-chapter, multi-ship story called [Hot Mess](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10141856). Lemons ahead!


	6. The Magic Kingdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I saw this ad for the Four Seasons at Walt Disney World resort. It was so opulent, it was downright ridiculous. So immediately thought of Draco and I wrote this drabble/headcanon

Draco and Hermione's children discover Disney movies at Granny and Grandpa Granger's house. They especially love Beauty and the Beast, _Obviously_...(you know you heard that in Alan Rickman's voice).

An advert for Walt Disney World comes on the telly. They beg to go. 

Draco says, "You're already witches and wizards. Why do you want to go to the Magic Kingdom?" 

They respond, "It's magical." 

His response, "You're magical." 

"Pleeeeeeeeeease."  


He discovers you can rent out a whole floor at the Four Seasons and it has all the amenities of home, maybe better.   


Hermione screams, "$65,000 a night, Draco? Are you kidding me? What do we need 21 rooms for? You know they do have a campground and we can bring our own and it will be just as spacious inside."  


He rolls his eyes and opens up a briefcase of muggle money and says, "If I have to deal with sweaty muggle tourists, we are doing things my way."


	7. St. Patrick's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Irishman decides to chase a snake

It was St. Patrick's Day and Seamus Finnigan had just returned from mass. Being an Irishman and a Catholic, this was a holy day, so he was granted permission to return to Ireland for the day to attend church with his family. The priest rattled on and on about the legend of St. Patrick and driving the serpents out of Ireland. Father O'Donoghue continued the homily and spoke of symbolism, but Seamus began to daydream about another serpent, well, a Slytherin, by the name of Millicent Bulstrode. He loved that she was "all woman" — not like the skinny or underdeveloped girls of their year. She had curves for days. When his thoughts of her caused his trousers to tighten, he looked up at the crucified Jesus, made the sign of the cross, and asked for forgiveness. Oh, Catholic guilt.

Upon his return, dinner was already over for the day. The short, little leprechaun of a man, stopped in his tracks as he saw Millie conversing with a group of Ravenclaws.

"Millie, you really should consider cutting down on your carb intake. It's not healthy. With all the steps we take every day, you shouldn't be so...what I mean is you should be more toned," The dirty blonde Ravenclaw girl said. 

"Oh, um...I guess," Millie said uncomfortably.

Seamus couldn't believe his ears. How could anyone say that about the gorgeous creature before him? He hexed the blue-clad twats and they flew backward. Aching and stunned, they rubbed their backsides. Seamus looks down at them and says through gritted teeth, "I'm sorry, I like her the way she is—womanly and curvaceous. Get outta here ya skinny twig bitches." Despite his act of chivalry, she was still crestfallen. She stood against the wall with her arms crossed tightly across her chest—the insecurity gnawing away at her. "Don't listen to them. You're beautiful. They just wish they had tits as full and glorious as yours." He clapped his hand over his mouth unable to believe he said that out loud. 

She giggled, "You think I'm beautiful? You don't think I'm 'too fat to live in the snake pit'?"

"Who the fuck said that? I'll show them a piece of my mind!" He saw her laugh again and said, "Millie, I like you and I think you're the most beautiful girl in school. Can I walk you back to your common room?" 

Millicent was apprehensive but Seamus looked sincere. She hooked her arm into his presented one and they headed down to the dungeons. She timidly answered the boisterous Gryffindor's questions and started to fancy his honesty and enthusiasm. When they arrived at the Slytherin Common Room door, they awkwardly said their goodbyes. 

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Seamus can't believe his luck.  _Thank you, St. Patrick_ , he thought to himself. "Yeah, I'd like that. Would you like to sit at my table for breakfast, or yours?"

"Yours would be a nice change of pace," her cheeks turned a tinge pink.

"Well, I'll be going now," his hands were nervously tucked in his pocket as he walked backward, not wanting to take his eyes off her. 

"Seamus, wait—" she ran over to him, pinned him up against the wall, and snogged him like he's never been snogged before. When she broke the kiss, she bit her lip and said, "Good night."

He's left breathless and immobile. It's not until she was in her dorm, could he mutter, "That's one hell of a woman."


	8. Girl Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Dramione and Hansy happen? Hermione and Pansy become best friends, obviously.

Hermione Granger is sitting in the library poring over her Advanced Transfiguration notes. She scratches her head trying to decipher what she wrote, but it seems to trail off at certain points...oh that's right. She was sitting next to Draco that period. She smirks as she remembers what caused her distraction…

“Hey, Bitch,” Pansy Parkinson says with an aloof confidence as she drops her rucksack on the table next to Hermione.

“Slag,” Hermione responds then kisses her friend on the cheek.

“So are those my notes?” Pansy says reaching over to grab the parchment from Hermione’s hands. “Let’s see...looks good...but wait where’s the part about the last step to becoming an animagus.”

“I...um...I mean...we…by that I mean…” Hermione turns pink, not able to find the words as she is completely embarrassed to tell her best girlfriend what she and her boyfriend were up to in the middle of lessons.

“Goddammit, Draco Malfoy!” she exclaims. Madame Pince angrily shushes Pansy, but the Slytherin princess just rolls her eyes. “That prat is going to cause all of us to fail this class. That’s it. We’re switching places next lesson, or I’m going to turn your knickers into goblin steel. Why do you let him finger you in the middle of class?”

“I don’t let him. I just kind of happens. I mean Pans. His voice and the eyes...and the strong Quidditch player hands,” Hermione tries to justify her indiscretions but knows she was completely lacking in the self-control department.

“Our boyfriends play the same position. I know all about those strong hands,” she smirks. “Speaking of which, do you want to walk to the pitch together? The boys are having a scrimmage match before the big game in two weeks.

“Sure, oh and are we still good? My notes for your prefect patrol spot? I kind of already told Draco that we’d be patrolling together.” Hermione asks hopefully.

“I guess…” Pansy says laying the guilt on thick, “but, we, and by 'we,' all four of us have a study date to get that last bit of info. I can’t believe it. I’m telling Hermione Granger to study. What has become of us.”

“Stupid boys who turned us into mush...but they also made us all friends—so bonus,” Hermione bumps her shoulder into Pansy’s playfully.

“I know. It still sounds fucking weird. The Pride of Gryffindor and Slytherin Royalty engaged in unholy trysts,” she laughs.

“Come on, Princess. Let’s watch our boys slaughter each other,” Hermione says as she stands up.

“Who do you think is going to end up in the infirmary first?” Pansy also stands up and throws the leather bag over her shoulder.

“Oh, they’ll both end up there at the same time, because they’ll do something idiotic like knock each other out,” Hermione shakes her head. “Oi! Your skirt is way too short.”

“No. Yours is too long,” she waves her wand and shrinks Hermione’s skirt by three inches to which she squeals in horror. “You are going to see Draco later, aren’t you?”

A naughty smile creeps across Hermione’s face acknowledging Pansy’s suggestion. The Gryffindor rummages through her bag and pulls out a brown plastic bottle and hands it to Pansy, “The other day Harry mentioned how much he missed muggle chocolate milk, so I had my mum send me this. I thought you could think of something more creative to do with it.”

“Chocolate syrup? You naughty girl. I love how we look out for each other,” Pansy tucks the bottle in her rucksack and locks pinkies with Hermione as they walk out of the library. “Let’s go to the pitch and flash the boys.”

“They will surely end up in the infirmary if we do that.”

“Or they’ll end the game sooner.”

“Now you’re thinking.”


	9. Centerfold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Sirius Potter thinks he has the upper hand on his little brother. Well, Albus is a Slytherin after all.
> 
> * * *
> 
> So [MrBenzedrine89](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MrBenzedrine89/pseuds/MrBenzedrine89) posted some funny prompts including, "Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me," so I went for it. Enjoy!

“Hey Al,” James calls to his younger brother.

 

“I'm in the kitchen,” he responds while making himself a sandwich. 

 

James walks in with a smug face and rolled up magazine. “So little brother...I found something…”

 

Albus’s eyes look up from his sandwich and his mouth drops as his big brother opens the centerfold. 

 

“Going, old school, eh, Al? Why would you want an old magazine when the internet is so much easier to find p—whoa.”

 

“James,  put that thing back where it came from, or so help me,” Albus whips out his wand and starts chasing his brother. 

 

“Temper, temper! Now I know why you would want the Playwizard May 2000 Issue. Damn, your best mate’s mum was hot,” James flicks his wand and ties Albus to a chair. “Sexy Slytherins, Gorgeous Gryffindors, Hot Hufflepuffs, and Ravishing Ravenclaws: Hogwarts babes all grown up.”

 

“James. I’m going to kill you. Don’t fuck that up. It’s vintage…and it’s not mine.” Albus says with a tinge of guilt in his voice. 

 

“Then who does it belong to?”

 

“Scorp’s dad. I nicked it from his study.”

 

“Cold, Al. Cold. Not only did you steal property, but you stole from a widower. Tisk Tisk. But god she was hot. Who else is in here? Holy shit, these are like all our friends’ mums!” James exclaims. “I’ll never be able to look them the same. Let’s see who is in Gryffindor—”

 

James drops the magazine and goes beet red. 

 

“That’s what you get, arsehole. I told you to put it back,” he laughs hysterically while still tied to the  chair, “Scorp warned me, so I only looked at the Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. So, how does it feel seeing your mum’s muff? What about Aunt Hermione? Did you enjoy that one too?”

 

“Fuck off, Al.” James releases Albus and storms off.

  
“Enjoy having mum in your wank bank!” 


	10. Poetry Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco gives Hermione a book of poems he has written for her and she so desperately wants to return the affection...

Hermione sat at her desk with scrap parchment littered on the floor. Her fingers stroked a well-worn leatherbound notebook full of poems and prose about her. This collection began as an outlet for Draco to write his frustrations and disdain for the girl who constantly got under his skin. Over time, it revealed all of that anger and frustration, were the beginnings of love. When he could no longer hold in his secret, he gave her this notebook, along with his heart. She was frustrated. His words moved her and she wondered how she could possibly reply to them. Every attempt at matching his raw emotion felt contrived and insincere.  

_My only love, sprung from my only hate…_

“Fuck. That’s Shakespeare.” She grumbled scratching out the words on the parchment.  

_Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art—_

“Ugh, that’s Keats.” She frustratedly crumples the paper and throws it across the room. She crosses her arms and rests her head. “Can’t I come up with anything original? Who knew the ferret was so damn creative…and eloquent…and dreamy…” Inspiration struck and she untidily scrawled.

 _Your words lure me into your web  
Silken phrases wrap around my heart   
_ _Tighter and tighter  
_ _No longer can I breathe_  
Relieve this tension  
For you, agile, silent predator  
Have caught me  
Body and soul

Pleased with the first draft, she rewrote the poem with her special calligraphy quills onto fresh, perfumed parchment. Her fingers gingerly folded the letter and placed it into an envelope, sealed with wax shaped in a heart. Summoning all of her courage, she made her way down to the dungeons. Blaise Zabini saw her standing outside of the portrait waiting for someone to let her in. 

With a sinister smile he asked, "Here to see Malfoy?"

Nervously she bit her lip and nodded. 

" _Dalliance,"_ Blaise spoke and the painting swung open. He gave her a little wink and said, "Our prefect is a bit of a romantic. Follow me."

Hermione stayed close as the piercing stares and murmurs meant to intimidate her started to work.  

Blaise pushed a door open and said, "Boys out. Draco has a visitor." 

The young man in question was sitting on his bed, shoes off, tie loosened, and shirt untucked. It was the most relaxed Hermione had ever seen him. When everyone had exited the room, leaving only the two of them, he said, "Did you read it?"  

"Yes," she said, her voice shaky. She pulled out the envelope and handed it to him.

He had been anxiously awaiting a response from her, and couldn't help but rip the letter open. His silver eyes skimmed the perfectly crafted script. Upon reading the last line, he practically lunged, pressing his lips to hers. Soft and sweet, melting away tension and the unsaid, reminding him, _actions speak louder than words_. 

  


	11. Clogged Toilet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, for crying out loud. This is the nonsense you get up to with writer friends. This lovely bit of nonsense was co-written by [WritersPassion18](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6596946/writerspassion18) inspired by the [dumbest JKR tweets](http://www.collegehumor.com/post/7045781/7-times-jk-rowling-knew-way-too-much-about-her-characters). I have no idea if they are even real, but it made for hilarious inspiration.

 

Cho, being of Chinese descent, was primarily raised on a lighter diet of vegetables, rice, and balanced proteins. Her family had been in the British Isles for two generations, but for the most part, they held their traditions close athand.   
  
When she received her acceptance to Hogwarts, the heavy Scottish food didn't settle well with her digestive system, though she gorged on the food, being exotic in her eyes. One day, after a a feast of roast, potatoes, pie, and puddings, Cho had to go.   
  
She ran to the closest bathroom, unfortunately, it was the one occupied my Moaning Myrtle. As the young Ravenclaw groaned as her body rejected the rich food, the ghost mocked her mercilessly.   
  
When it was all said an done, she sheer amount of shit astounded the young girl. As the stench filled her nose, she frantically flushed but the water started to rise. One more flush, she said to herself. A sigh of relief came over her as the massive turd went down the drain. But the calm did not last long. The pipe creaked and strained as the magical crap made it's way through the plumbing. She waited with baited breath until it passed and the noise subsided.   
  
Cho finally released her breath and wiped her brow. She finally emerged from the cubicle, only to see a line of girls angrily staring at her as all the other toilets were now out of order.

Cho paused. What else could she honestly do? She was caught. She was caught red-handed -no BROWN-handed, having more rendered all the other toilets non-functional. She swallowed deeply, her voice small and quivering as she addressed the crowd.  
  
"I, um,...s-sorry."  
  
Cho didn't wait to hear anyone's reply. She was still so mortified! She practically ran from the bathroom and halfway down the hall. That's when she felt it. Another low rumble from her abdomen. How? HOW? She thought she was fine. She thought she had gotten it all out. How was there still more? Cho stood frozen where she was, hoping that her stomach was just playing tricks on her and that it would settle. But it didn't. She ran as hard as she could to find another bathroom. Preferably away from the one she had single-handedly broken. She ducked into one at the top of a set of moving staircases. She the herself into a stall and sat down. Before another sure-to-be mess escaped her, her heart stopped. She heard voices.  
  
BOYS' voices...

"So Ced? Tell us, who is this mystery girl you have a crush on?"  
  
Cho's face went even paler. The boy she had been crushing on hard was in the bathroom as her arsehole continued to explode.  
  
The sound of wet sputtering and foul aroma were bad enough to force the boys out.   
  
"Let's go. I'll let you into the prefect's bathroom," Diggory said to his friend.   
  
"Phew." she sighed, knowing she had been saved from more embarrassment.


	12. Work from Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Writerspassion18 sent me an adorable comic by Catana Comics, asking us (LightofEvolution, Slytherinmomma88, and myself) for a Dramione drabble based on it. Well, here you go.

 

Draco was poring over reports and just couldn't stand being in the office much longer and decided to work from home. Hermione greeted him at the floo, looking gorgeous and radiating a certain energy. It was hard to pry his eyes away from her, but unfortunately, he could only give her a quick peck before he locked himself away in his study.

The hours passed, and so had dinner. His stomach grumbled, but he chose to ignore it. He heard the door click open but didn't look up. A clang of a metal tray rattled the glass of water and plate of sandwiches. In his periphery, he knew it was his wife who brought the snack. His eyes still didn't look up when he lied, "Thanks, darling. I'm not hungry just yet." Just a few more reports and he would be done. When he didn't hear a response, he looked up. "Where did she go?" At that moment, felt two warm hands creeping their way up his thighs. He tilted his head to peek under the desk. There she was, wearing a mischievous smile and nothing else.

"I'm naked."

"I can see that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Please feel free to leave me a review or send me a message on Tumblr: [harrypotterandthegobletofwine](http://harrypotterandthegobletofwine.tumblr.com) or Facebook: [saintdionysuswriter](http://facebook.com/saintdionysuswriter)


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